what a trip. i was amazed how fast time flew by. it's hard to describe what happens when you leave home for such a long time. i felt a bit nervous, because when i left i was in a bad place, lifewise, so i was scared that all the things that were breaking me down before i left would still be there. it felt odly familiar but in a completely different way. i mean i went back home where i grew up and where everything was still the same. i saw the friends i'd known for so long and it felt like i'd never left, which was really nice. after all the excitement of seeing the people i love again, it started to sink in that i'd changed so much. before i left i was scared of life, i was insecure about myself and most of all i really didn't like myself. i'm not saying that all of that has just 'poof' vanished, but after experiencing so much like you would during a trip like this, i definitely felt how it was to truly be happy and have a moment where you just look around some place you've never been before and actually FEEL that your soul is alive. of course the minute you recognise that moment it will actually 'poof' vanish, but just the thought of it right now makes me smile. it's easy to forget about that, to forget to take the time and remember the moments that count and which will last a lifetime. good thing i can blog about them :)
so right now at this moment it's about one year and seven months after my arrival back home. a lot has happened and i've again changed so much. when i arrived i had absolutely no more money left, so i immediately started looking for a job. i applied for loads of things and ended up working as a logistical planner for a big supermarket. it seemed like the best thing at the time and even though i told my supervisor i was only staying for two years i was hired. after that i fell in love and got into a relationship with the girl i had always dreamed of being with. i was absolutely insanely passionately head over heels in love and could not have been happier. i also spent more time with my brother who bought a house while i was away and had started a relationship with an awesome girl who had two daughters. so all was going pretty good. until it all fell apart...
i think one of the most important things that happened was going off my medication. i started taking anti depressents when my first therapist diagnosed me with a depression. i kept taking them when i was backpacking, but felt secure and stabile enough to get rid of them after finding a good job and falling in love with the woman of my dreams. my doctor advised me to find a therapist in order to have some sort of back up. so i did and that's when i realised that all the shit i had left behind was still there, waiting to attack and it did. hard. that's when i fell apart and i had my heart broken. i couldn't believe it and i think i was really in shock for quite some time. somehow i kept hoping that things would work out again and that we were strong enough to handle anything, but she couldn't do it. she couldn't see me unhappy and not being able to help and she figured the best thing was to let me go.
just when you think you can hande anything and everything is totally fine, it all falls apart. i went through hell and i don't think i've ever felt that alone. ever. i started breaking down at work and after dragging myself there day after day and feeling totally empty i quit. all i could do was cry and go to therapy. it was like that for weeks and i was just going crazy. i started reading a lot of books about consciousness, spirituality and mindfullness. i somehow picked myself up and started meditating and exercising (just a little bit) and i just opened up and talked to people about what was making me feel so sad and why i was SO heartbroken. i figured out it had a lot to do with my childhood (doesn't it always!) and so i confronted myself with my behaviour and tried to figure out why i am who i am and why i do what i do. i basically just took the time to finally heal a bit, after numbing myself for 26 years. it was a big struggle, but i made it. i can't say that at this point i'm totally happy, complete and living the life i want, but for the first time in my life i've faced my issues and problems and chose to do something about them instead of running away and supressing them. i can truly say that i'm proud of myself and for what i've accomplished so far. i've gotten to know my true self a bit more and although i still have moments where i think ''why the hell am i like this?!?!" there's a lot i've got going on and i just hope that what i'm doing next will bring me further somehow...
so what is next?
THAILAND!!!!
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